The most important relationship that we have in our lives is the one that we have with ourselves. Every other relationship is not only a bonus, but it is also a reflection of the relationship that we’re having with ourselves.
Just know that everyone in your life—whether you like them or not—is reflecting something about you, back to you. Remember that like attracts like. The human psyche is very complex, and there are many parts of ourself that we honestly can’t see. Other people come into our lives to hold up the mirror to the things about ourselves that we’re unable or unwilling to see.
Sometimes we don’t like what we see back. We blame the other person for “making” us feel a certain type of way. We could come up with a laundry list of everything they do that irritates the life out of us, and with ease! Why is it so easy for us to make that list? It’s because deep inside of our psyche, we recognize the other person’s behavior. We’ve seen someone act like that before, but who was it? Oh, it was us!
The next time you get triggered by someone else, instead of spending hours picking them apart, ask yourself “How do I treat myself the way (insert name here) just treated me?” If you’re open enough, you might be surprised at what you hear back. We teach other people (and the Universe) how to treat us, based on the way we treat ourselves.
If you’ve come to the realization that the relationship you have with yourself is dysfunctional, that’s okay! Don’t blame yourself. Most people on Earth mold the relationship they have with themselves based on what they’ve seen, been taught, or experienced. This realization is the first step to developing a genuine loving relationship with yourself.
So…how do I develop a relationship with myself?
Well, just like any other relationship, start by getting to know yourself. Sit down with a pen and paper and literally ask yourself “Who am I?” Your accomplishments, roles, titles, etc. are not allowed on this list! If all of that stuff was stripped way from you, what would be left? Who are you when you wake up in the middle of the night and you’re all alone? If you don’t know who you are, that’s okay too! All you have to be is willing to find out.
The next step I’d suggest is to become clear about what’s important to you. Again, sit down with a pen and paper and complete the sentence: What’s important to me is (insert important thing here). Repeat this exercise as many times as possible. This is such an important step because we often settle for so much less than what we want, desire, and deserve because we don’t have any idea about what’s important to us, how to ask for it, or any expectation of it.
Tip: You usually get what you expect, not what you want.
When we know who we are and what we value, we are able to go into relationships with clear expectations about the reciprocation we’re going to receive for being who we are and what we value! Again, like attracts like.
There’s an ancient saying that translates into “Know Thyself”, and it still rings true. In order to have a strong relationship with yourself, you really have to get to know yourself. What makes you happy? What makes you sad? What makes you laugh? What sets you off into a rage? How do you act when things don’t go your way? Really begin to study yourself. The key with this one (and all of the other steps) is to not judge yourself. When you’re doing this type of work it is a requirement that you’re objective with yourself. Be honest with yourself, and don’t judge what you encounter.
This leads into one of the last steps, which is to accept and appreciate yourself. Accept all of who you are without judgement. If you have no idea of who you actually are, then your life experience was created from a lack of knowledge of your self. Remember, the good AND the bad parts of yourself got you where you are. Appreciate your totality. Remember that you’ve been with YOU through it all, and you managed to survive! If you can’t appreciate and celebrate yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?
Finally, honor yourself. This means that you need to do right by yourself. Once you begin to develop a loving relationship with yourself, you must act accordingly! Treat yourself right. Remember the Golden Rule they taught in Kindergarden? “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” I’m going to give you a new Golden Rule: Treat yourself the way you want others to treat you.
